They say that someone comes along when you feel broken. They fix you. They make you look forward to life again. And then you give them the name of life. You start looking forward to them. You start creating your own little world around them and you start visualizing what life would look like with them by your side. At that moment, nothing seems more beautiful than that thought and then, when you truly get to live it, you fear losing it. This fear. This fear exists because there is always that pricking feeling that your bubble will pop and things will look like they did before. And then the bubble does pop. And the needle pierces your heart in the process. It shatters your heart again and you feel broken again. But if the very person who cured you is the reason behind your wounds. What do you do then? What do you do when the very people who heal you, break you? What do you do when the very person who promised to keep your delicate heart safe looks you in the eye and smashes it into pieces? What do you do? I wonder.
“I lay here
Anxious
On my bed
Unnamed emotions
Insecurities in my head
This fear of failure
That yearning for love
Everything that I lost
Everything that I've loved
These thoughts swept past me
The blood gushing through my veins
My heart racing faster than light
My limbs feeling the strain
The darkness that clouds my mind
It's here to engulf me
And my anxiety
Haha
Here to consume
Consume the dregs of life
The life that's left in me
And slowly and steadily
I still try to rise
But only in vain
And soon Hope's demise
But that's not all
I know I have to awake
Awake from this state
Away from this state
I might not be a phoenix
But sure
I'll rise yet again
I'll brush off the sorrows
I'll internalize the past
I'll kiss my nightmares goodnight
I'll hold on till it lasts
And finally
When I learn to stand up again
I'll step out
Out into the light
All I can see is the horizon
And as I sit there
I view the horizon
And I can no more feel that slow poison”
Someone wise once said that you never really get over people. You just move on. You slowly forget the sorrow and embrace the joy you experienced in their presence. You don't forget the pain of losing someone you once loved. You can play the game of pretense for as long as you wish to. Maybe because the people around you wish for your sanity. It drives you to make them believe you are all right. You wish for them never to hear the screams that only your pillow can hear and never to see the tears that only your blanket is unfortunate enough to see. You bottle up your feelings, you build walls, you create barriers and you shut people out. The concept you never understand is that these very people are not unaware. They know. They know what you are going through and they are more than ready to be there. So take help when you need it. Don't destroy yourself because someone didn't care enough because there are others who care more than enough. Don't destroy yourself because someone destroyed you.
Written by - Khushi Bajoria
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