Dear Younger Self,
30-7-20,
Thursday.
Remember me? That old-school elder sister of yours?
You know you've been strong since childhood because you were raised by strong hands, but you remember that phase of your life when you weren't able to speak your heart out to ‘that’ person, too? You weren't able to tell them what you have been feeling out of the fear of being misunderstood and getting your wrong picture in front of them but maybe you could have sought help thereon when the anxiety first hit you, when you shivered for the first time and felt that thirsty throat and that mind asking for help to get you over those anxiety feels and unstable mind.
I know you experienced many trust issues, many unexpected things happening in your life, maybe you've had your heart and mind - both broken, maybe you didn't understand your worth and your strength because someone else told you so, maybe you might have trusted the wrong people and maybe you didn't realize your real beauty because you thought beauty was all about magazine covers. So, let me tell you, you and I are really beautiful okay! Beauty is what you're from the inside.
You've been through a lot - I can understand when after some gap, your health got even worse that you started feeling lonely even when you were a part of the crowd. You started feeling depressed even when you had many good things around and when no one understood your state you might have even left those hopes of living but still before that turned to a disaster, you tried to handle yourself up. There was a time when your parents made you learn walking on your feet and look at you now! You have started to walk on your feet again by yourself even when you felt broken. You fell down many times yet didn't give up and I'm proud of you because you continued your walk through all the ups and downs till you got that stability which your mind sought.
You might have fumbled sometimes while going on the stage out of anxiety, you might have felt that dry feeling in the throat, you might have experienced anxiety and panic attacks from inside when you heard that one voice saying, "What if you fail?” But you managed to get out there and speak. There came a plot twist in your life which made you strong. It was a period full of stress, anxiety, and some other things affecting your mental health. But above all, you had the power to grow through what you went through.
Tell me honestly, how much did you learn every single day - someday you learned to believe in yourself, another day maybe you learned to stay away from toxic relations, one day you learned your worth, and another day maybe you felt worthless just because of society's opinion but then soon after days, you also learned to be resilient. You learned to face every problem and every person; you started to seek help and communicate, remember? You poured your heart out and didn't let any negativity hinder your balance and you rode your cycle of life in an even better way. Remember those times when you used to put your headphones on and put the music on loud and danced like no one's watching you? You learned through that, that you don't need to focus on what others say.
You remember that first time you healed and in the process, you opened up to your own self and in front of others, too!? Wasn't that courageous enough to make a mark in your life that you're enough, you can do everything that you want to do? Didn't those feelings/things which no one was able to feel/see but you were able to in your head, make you unique? That indeed helped you to trust your instincts and trust yourself even when you're alone in the journey.
Didn't those sleepless nights where you just had your pillow and shawl made you a warrior? Even though you cried your heart out yet every other day, you woke up. Every single day. Wasn't that strength?
I have also been proud of you because when no one stood by your side, you were there for you.
See how well you ended up! You have grown so beautifully and you now just have a to-do list to be explored and no regret list with you! Problems still pass by now also but you have mastered the art of solving every riddle of your life and have gotten over your past. You have now become such a beautiful, young and free soul, ready to gear up and take the ride of life because you now know how well you are to handle everything. You fail sometimes even now, but you never give up on yourself and that is something that is so important!
You're not alone. I'm there for you,
Yours truly,
B.
Written by - Bhargavi Japda
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