"You and me are inseparable. You are the first thing people wonder about me. You are that mysterious lady sitting at the bar drinking her wine while the whole town wonders what's her name.
To be honest, I do not know your name too. I do not know your name because I'm a bad liar and it's easier to say I don't know, to my mother.
I do not know your name for our safety.
You're not the light of my life or my best friend. You have always been a question.
What why? What why? What why? What why?
The questions sound like rhyme to me now.
The questions now sound like the only rhyme I listened to from my childhood till now.
My dear, it is the reason this love poem won't rhyme.
I don't have much to write about you. I'm still trying to love you, and this is an attempt for the same.
I hated you because you made things difficult at family functions and changing rooms.
I hated you because I didn't know what else to do when my whole world wanted you to leave me alone.
But you stayed. I still don't know if it's a good thing or bad. I know that I can see that you hated me too for not loving myself.
So here I'm trying to write a love poem, making it sound like an apology.
Cause maybe it is. To the number of kgs I weigh. To myself. To the love I didn't give to us."
All I wanted from myself was to not hate. But it is tough when the whole world tells you that the mirror is the only place you can see your reflection. Growing up I realized the impact of these things on my mental health and how that affected my daily life. Currently, I'm in the gym, getting off the treadmill as I am writing this, spending a lot of time and money but avoiding sessions with my therapist because it is tougher to talk some days.
After losing 15kgs, I realized physical health won't make my mental health problems and image issues better. This won't make me love myself because I will still find a flaw.
What I have to learn is to be okay with it, be okay with myself.
Sometimes loving myself is going for a walk as slow as the piano I am hearing through my earphone, wet mud smelling like forest while I’m watching kids giggle without any care in the park.
Sometimes self-love is to apply my favorite lipstick to bed.
(yes, you can with lip balm applied first)
Sometimes loving myself is dancing to my favorite song behind a closed door. Sometimes it's telling people what my favorite song really is.
Just how everyone's love language is different from each other, everyone loves themselves differently too.
But all kinds of love have two things in common.
Hope and believe.
Believe that it's okay to let down your guard too, it's okay to cry sometimes.
Hope that tomorrow will be a better day.
(Believe me, tomorrow will come and you can try again)
So hug yourself a little tighter tonight, not because you always love yourself but because you're okay with it.
Written by - Shambhavi Juyal
Your mental health matters as much as your physical health. Don't hesitate to take a step towards your mental well-being. If you’re looking at talking to a professional, book your Initial Consultation with us on https://www.themoodspace.com/freeconsultation or write to us at info@themoodspace.com. Take a step towards bettering your mental wellbeing because you deserve it.